Monday, February 27, 2006

 

The Brat and the rest of the Roush rats

How appropriate that Matt The Brat won at California Speedway. Of what I heard, it was the most boring race I've never watched.

Of course, there was that rousing pre-race concert by Jewel. Excuse me but what the fuck does Jewel have to do with NASCAR? Does she rock? No. Is she country? LAWD no! Obviously she licks someone's helmet and the next thing you know race fans have to suffer through 10 minutes of her bullshit until the Green flag. (which is about as enjoyable as typhoid and hurricanes) Oh wait, but there was MORE!


Fantasia Buritto's rousing remdition of our National Anthem. She was great on Idol but why is she at a race track? In my opinion if you can't name a driver other than Jeff Gordon or Dale Jr than you shouldn't be allowed in the freaking door. You're just taking up space where someone who actually LOVES the sport could be standing. And don't even get me started on Nick Lachey being there, at least he wasn't stupid enough to sing.

Getting back to my original point (yes there was a point to this); it's incredibly appropriate that The Brat and his lame cast of team mates had the hat trick at Cali. Why? Because it's fucking boring and so are they. Matt wields his post-race venom, which is as deadly as a 3 year old with blunt scissors. I have all the respect in the world for the human prune, Mark Martin, but he's not exactly rum raisin in the world of ice cream. Greg Biffle, the hiliariously named Bug Eyed Dummy-thanks to Sterling "Rug Doctor" Marlin- isn't quite an exciting person to talk to either. Carl Edwards, the "aww shucks" attitude was cute at first but how many times can you listen to someone say how happy they are just to be there before it becomes a moot point? Just take your shirt off Carl and I'll be happy.

The saving grace on that team has to be Jamie McMurray. For one, any guy that Matt Kenseth hates has to be a decent human being. At least he doesn't stick his nose in the air and act like he's deaf when you approach him in the garage. Yeah, he hangs with Elliott "I never met a mirror I didn't like" Sadler, but he's one of the few single dudes on the circuit who he can go out cruising chicks openly with. Jamie's a good kid, a VERY talented driver, nice to look at, and what's best is you don't tend to nod off when you're talking to him; like his team mates. He has something to say and he'll make you laugh at the same time.

I never thought I'd hear myself say this but I wouldn't mind a few more Tony Stewart-like folks in the series! Someone has to keep the fans awake!


Monday, February 20, 2006

 

If you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin'

So the 2006 Daytona 500 is in the record books and now we can get on to the normally insane NASCAR schedule without all the pageantry, drama and more importantly; annoying celebrities who have no interest in racing other than some shameless self promotion.

Here are some random observations from yesterday:

If I wasn't a fan of Bon Jovi I think that whole pre-race concert thing would've irritated the fuck out of me. It was nice seeing Mikey, Macey and DJ in the audience but someone should tell Teresa Earnhardt to stay far away from anything doing with music. The bitch couldn't even clap in time. No wonder she didn't want Jr dabbling in the music business; it would've confused the heck out of her and I'm sure she didn't want him getting into anything she doesn't understand or have a hand in herself.


The best commercial I've seen so far HAS to be the toast at dinner with Jeff, Jimmie, Jr and Tony. They had to have a BLAST making that, I'd love to see the out-takes! (the "NEWMAN" Gillette commercial is a close second)

About half-way into the race I see the Ken Schrader driven machine in 7th place and the announcers have made NO mention of it. Maybe they need to send a case of Little Debbie's up to the booth so they can get some freakin air time!

Once again Kyle Busch has to open his stupid cake-hole and blame everyone but himself for the bone-headed mistakes he made on the track. I'm starting to see something else that runs in his family besides blaring ugliness; the lack of taking responsibility when you're a complete and utter jackass.

On the flip side; Carl Edwards and Jamie Mac fessed up to their mistakes and probably maned-up and went to see the people who took the brunt of their errors face-to-face. Granted, those two are in the gym almost every week day so they don't have much to fear in the way of physical confrontations!

Tony Stewart's post-race interviews are about as entertaining as a monkey on ice skates. You can always count on smoke to vent his frustrations to the cameras. Personally I think he's gunna need a blood pressure check seeing how he's already so hot and it's only week 1 of the season. Here's hoping his ribs heal quicker so he can get to the gym and picture Kenseth's mug on the heavy bag while he pounds it to a frazzle.

Was it me or was Jeff Gordon's smile as big as it was in Victory Lane last year? There's no better team mate than that man.

Another guy who seemed to have a VL smile was Ryan Newman. Granted, if Kurt Busch hadn't wrecked I don't think anyone could've touched him.

Dang that camera man who just missed catching Jeff Green and Dale Jarrett in each others faces. Cage match anyone?!?!

Say what you want about Jimmie Johnson and his team being cheaters but he proved my pre-race "first time winner" prediction was correct. Congrats to you, Chad and your substitute crew chief.
And finally, I think I've thought of a way to get rid of all these self-absorbed celebrity singers who totally brutalize and butcher the anthem each week. Do what the NHL has been doing for YEARS; have open tryouts for the job. They could call it Redneck Idol!


Friday, February 17, 2006

 

Wonder Twin powers... ACTIVATE!!!


Ever notice how much Jeff Burton and Clint Bowyer look alike? That must confuse the hell out of Richard Childress.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

 

Hard into the wall: what the hell happened to Elliott Sadler?

"Boy, you makin' me look bad! Get a damn haircut and take a bath!"

We've always been the ones who cheer for the little guys and the underdogs. Years ago, we were Elliott Sadler fans before anyone knew there was an Elliott Sadler. Long before all the bandwagon jumpers, we cheered our hearts out for the sweet guy from Emporia, Virginia who had a foot made of lead and a heart made of gold. A guy who treated his fans like family and seemed just happy to be there. His 2001 win at Bristol was nothing short of balls-out determination and a whole lotta heart. One of the greatest moments of racing in the 2002 season was his second place finish in the Daytona 500 (thanks in no small part to Sterling Marlin climbing out of his car during a red flag to 'look at' his right fender), which helped solidify the deal for his segue into the 38 car at RYR. When we heard of his deal for the 2003 season, we were thrilled. Finally, the underdog makes good. Little did we know, this was the beginning of the end of the Elliott Sadler we had come to love.

Anyone who's been to Emporia, Virginia, can see that it's the kind of town where everyone knows each other or at least something about each other. Everywhere you look, there are businesses with the Sadler name on them: Sadler Travel Plaza, Sadler Chevrolet, Sadler Oil Company. There isn't much room to hide in ten square miles, and there are even fewer places to hide if your last name is Sadler. Elliott Sadler grew up there, and seemed to relish the small town life in all of its glory. But the bright lights of Charlotte must have looked pretty good, and undoubtedly changed the small town boy into something that barely resembles his former self. And to that end Elliott, you are definitely not yourself.

We can trace the change back to Elliott's inaugural season in the 38 M&Ms Ford. It must have been a hard transition for Elliott to go from the small time Wood Brothers team to a powerhouse like Robert Yates Racing. And to have a veteran teammate and former Winston Cup champion like Dale Jarrett must have been a little intimidating. But Elliott perservered through fervent sponsor demands, the critics and naysayers predicting that he'd choke, the pressure to succeed and to be all things to all people. These things have clearly and visibly taken their toll on Elliott.

Since the beginning of the 2003 season, Elliott's usual down to earth demeanor started to deteriorate into moodiness and irritability. Often times when people have approached him in what are supposed to be fan friendly environments, he is aloof and acts as though he does not want to be there. In all honesty, we've seen his fans, and some of them are downright frightening, so we guess we can't blame him too much for having that attitude.

Elliott has noticeably let his appearance go to the point that he looks like a slob and, let's face it...fairly miserable. There has been a very marked degradation in the way he looks within a relatively short period of time.

In this picture from Bristol in 2002, Elliott looks great and has that "I'm just happy to be here" expression about him. However, by Texas in 2004, although he still looks pretty good, that smile is gone. By the time Speedweeks roll around in Daytona in 2005, he really looks like hell.

It looks to us like the pressure of being with in a high profile ride has not been easy for Elliott Sadler, and it is starting to take its toll in a very big way. His attitude is alienating his long standing tried and true fans, and the bandwagon jumpers will only be there as long as he is doing well.

Elliott, we miss the old you and we want you back. Please learn a lesson from Tony Stewart. Move back to Emporia and stay away from the glare of Charlotte. It's not who you are.

Oh yeah... and take a bath and get a haircut so Ward Burton doesn't mistake you for Bigfoot and take a shot at you, OK?


Monday, February 13, 2006

 

Bill Weber needs a haircut

I can't believe that I'm even infecting this blog with a picture of this idiot but the look on his face is about as pathetic as his driving was yesterday during the Bud Shootout. So it seemed appropriate.

Observations from the weekend:

Bill Weber needs a clip. Long hair is for country singers and guys under the age of 30. Hopefully he hasn't joined the Elliott Sadler school of bad grooming.

Kyle Busch is a monumental jackass. Here's the deal Shrub, get a freakin spotter and stop taking left-hand turns infront of the field. I don't care if your arm falls off from waving it because you want to pit...you don't come down like that. I wish Tony had punted your stupid ass up the track. (I'm sure he thought about it)

Nice work 31 team. Couldn't be happier to see Jeff Burton on the pole. Gives him something else to talk about other than when Ward will be driving again.

Sweet job 15 team. I have to admit it, I was beside myself seeing Paul Menard the quickest of the DEI cars in qualifying. Yeah, it probably won't mean much come Thursday or Sunday but it gave me something to smile about.

Thank you Michael Waltrip (did I just say that outloud) for helping Hermie Sadler out. Whatever you and RYR did helped secure him a spot for the 500 and it couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

What was up with Matt Kenseth's white car? That thing would've disappeared if the Shootout were run at night. Hmmm...maybe that was the idea?

Good for you Carl Edwards for speaking your mind when NASCAR said you had to serve a drive-through penalty. Crap call if you ask me and I've seen the tape three times. Just because they run it doesn't make a bad call right. Stand your ground kiddo.

And finally would someone PLEASE give the anthem singers a freaking time limit?!?!?!


Tuesday, February 07, 2006

 

Top Ten Crew Chiefs of 2006

NASCAR fans make such a fuss over the drivers and we think it's reached the point of ridiculousness. The waffle bellies stand next to the garage fence all day in the blistering sun... hoping for a fleeting glimpse of Junior's second cousin twice removed so they might get a blurry picture or perhaps if they're lucky, an illegible autograph. If they had a brain in their heads, they would pay attention to some of the guys who make this great sport happen... the crew chiefs.

So let's show some love for our favorites:

#10 Stewart Cooper - #27 Kleenex Ford (Busch series)
At 27 years old, Stewart Cooper is one of the youngest crew chiefs on the Busch circuit. During his tenure, Stewart has lead the 27 team three consecutive years of a top ten finishes in Busch Championship standings. With a start like that, we expect a lot of great things from this guy in the future.





#9 Richard "Slugger" Labbe - #88 UPS Ford
Let's face it... anyone with a cool nickname like this and who can put up with Michael Waltrip's shit for any measure of time deserves some recognition. We love ya, Slugger!

p.s. - thanks for busting our asses over that picture of you and Tommy from the press conference. For the record, we really don't have too much free time, but we always make time to rag on you guys.



#8 Greg Zipadelli - #20 Home Depot Chevrolet
Tony Stewart owes a tremendous debt to the patience of this man. If it hadn't been for Zippy's dedication to the team and possible dispensing of horse tranquilizers into Tony's water bottle, he would not be where he is today. Zippy deserves more than a Corvette... he deserves sainthood.






#7 Jimmy Elledge - #41 Target Dodge
Mr. Kelley Earnhardt comes in at lucky number 7. No good reason, we just like ragging on him. OK seriously, Jimmy did a great job of bringing Casey Mears along in his sophomore season, and he is starting to find his feet in Cup racing. We think we can expect great things from Casey this year in the 42 car with Donnie Wingo, and he has Jimmy to thank for a lot of that.




#6 Chad Knaus - #48 Lowe's Chevrolet
Under Chad's leadership, Jimmie Johnson has finished second in Cup standings back to back, and is poised to be a serious contender for the championship in 2006. Now if he could just manage not to get suspended again.







#5 Rodney Childers - #10 Valvoline Dodge
Note: We can't find a decent picture of Rodney, so this picture of Randy "Macho Man" Savage will have to do. We know you're like that on the inside, Rodney.

With the recent move over to Evernham Motorsports, 2006 is a make or break year for Scott Riggs and Rodney Childers. Scott has tremendous potential, and Rodney is key to that equation.




#4 Randy Cox - #22 AutoZone Ford (Busch series)
David Stremme emerged as a contender in the Busch series under the guidance of Randy Cox, and subsequently landed a ride with Ganassi in the #40 Coors Light Dodge. Although we know that Coors wanted a younger good looking guy with REAL hair, we'd like to think that David owes some of his success to Randy. Good luck this year, Randy... just make sure Kenny Wallace takes his ritalin, OK?






#3 Matt Borland - #12 Alltel Dodge
With a degree in mechanical engineering from General Motors Institute, this guy has got brains to spare. The smaller carburetor strategy of the 2004 season was nothing short of genius, and proved that contrary to popular garage opinion, bigger isn't always better. We love it when the geeks prevail... keep talking nerdy to us, Matt!






#2 Tommy Baldwin - #38 M&Ms Ford
We love a man who's got a fiery temper and is willing to give a good fight for what he feels is right. Tommy's 2003 visit to the 20 pit stall and subsequent dragging away while kicking and screaming in Chicagoland was one of the best moments of that season. Not to mention his previous resignation from Bill Davis Racing, which by most accounts, involved throwing things. We were really sorry to see Tommy leave Evernham's 9 team after the 2005 season, because it looked like he was a good influence on Kasey Kahne's driver development. But apparently he decided he'd be better at influencing Elliott Sadler to embrace good hygiene again. Well, at least he'll do some good.



#1 Robert "Bootie" Barker - #66 Best Buy Chevrolet
Bootie has been a hero of ours ever since witnessing him verbally ass whip his crew for being slackers during the 2005 race at Watkins Glen. We think his words say it all:

"If you don't want to be here, then stay the fuck home. I don't care."

We've never seen a group of guys stare at their shoes so hard! Note to self... don't screw with Mr. Barker!

Daytona's right around the corner, boys... let's have at it!


 

Things that make you go "Hmmmmm..."

With the 2006 NASCAR season almost upon us, a few questions popped into my head:

1-Would Paul Menard get more attention if he was also a "Jr"?
2-Who will be more irritating of an announcer; DW or Crusty the Clown? (my money's on Crusty)
3-How long will it take until Ryan Newman pounds Keebler Busch into a fine pulp during a Penske team meeting?
4-When will M&M's drop Eskwatch Sadler because of his lack of manscaping abilities and will Animal Planet in turn pick him up?
5-Who will Michael Waltrip draft with?
6-Will Tony Stewart have lost enough weight to climb OVER the fence at Indy and stage-dive into the fan-filled mosh pit?

I have to wonder.....

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